The client who's being unreasonably demanding might have just gotten terrible news from their doctor. Your colleague who snapped at you in the meeting might be going through a divorce they haven't told anyone about. The business partner who's been distant lately might be dealing with anxiety that nobody knows about.
Here's something that took me years to understand: most difficult behaviour has nothing to do with you. Everyone is fighting battles you can't see, carrying weight you know nothing about, and doing their best with whatever capacity they have in that moment. Once I started assuming positive intent instead of assuming malice, everything changed — my stress levels, my relationships, and even my business results.
The Story We Tell Ourselves
When someone treats you poorly, your brain immediately creates a story about why. They must be selfish. They don't respect your time. They're trying to take advantage of you. They don't care about the work you're doing together. These stories feel true because they're based on the limited information you have. But they're usually wrong.
I learned this lesson dramatically a few years ago with a client who seemed to hate everything I proposed. Every idea was met with criticism. Every deadline was questioned. Every deliverable was picked apart in ways that felt personal.
I was ready to end the relationship because I assumed he was just a difficult person who enjoyed making others miserable. Then I found out his company was going through layoffs, his role was in jeopardy, and he was terrified that any mistake would get him fired. Suddenly, his behaviour made perfect sense. He wasn't trying to make my life difficult — he was trying to save his job. The criticism wasn't about me or my work. It was about his fear.
The Attribution Error That Ruins Relationships
We judge others by their actions and ourselves by our intentions. When you're late to a meeting, it's because of unexpected traffic. When someone else is late, they must not respect your time. When you seem distracted, it's because you're dealing with a family issue. When someone else seems distracted, they must not care about the conversation.
This double standard destroys relationships before they have a chance to develop.
What I Do Instead
When someone behaves in a way that frustrates me, I force myself to pause and ask: What else could be happening here that would explain this behaviour?
Maybe the person who didn't respond to my email is dealing with a crisis at home. Maybe the colleague who seems unengaged in meetings is overwhelmed with their workload. Maybe the client who keeps changing requirements is getting pressure from their boss that they can't tell me about.
This doesn't mean I accept bad behaviour or let people take advantage of me. It means I respond from curiosity instead of defensiveness. I try to understand the situation before I react to it.
Real Examples from My Experience
The restaurant server was completely disinterested and borderline rude during a business lunch. My companion started complaining loudly about the service. I asked the server if everything was okay. Turns out it was her first day back after her father's funeral. We were much more patient after that, and she ended up providing great service once she felt supported instead of criticised.
I had an employee who started missing deadlines and seemed disengaged from projects. Instead of assuming he didn't care about his job, I asked what was going on. He was dealing with his mother's dementia diagnosis and trying to figure out care options. We worked out a flexible schedule that let him handle family responsibilities while still meeting work commitments. He became one of my most loyal team members.
A client kept rejecting proposals that seemed perfectly reasonable. Instead of getting frustrated, I asked more questions about their decision-making process. It turned out they'd been burned by a previous consultant who overpromised and underdelivered. Once I understood their caution, I could address their concerns directly and build the trust needed for a successful project.
The Business Benefits
Assuming positive intent isn't just about being a good person — it's good business. When you understand the real reason behind someone's behaviour, you can address the actual problem instead of fighting symptoms. Better problem-solving means stronger relationships.
People can sense when you're giving them the benefit of the doubt versus when you're assuming the worst. They respond better to the former. Getting angry about other people's behaviour is exhausting. Assuming they're doing their best with their current situation is much less stressful.
Word gets around about how you treat people, especially when they're having a hard time. Being the person who responds with understanding instead of judgment builds a reputation that opens doors.
How to Actually Do This
Pause before you react. When someone's behaviour triggers you, take a breath and remind yourself that you don't know their full story. Ask questions instead of making assumptions. Is everything okay? or What would be most helpful right now? often reveals information that completely changes how you understand the situation.
Give people multiple chances. Everyone has bad days, weeks, or even months. Don't write someone off based on one difficult interaction. Focus on what you can control. You can't control how others behave, but you can control how you respond to their behaviour.
The Boundaries Balance
This doesn't mean becoming a doormat or accepting genuinely bad behaviour. There's a difference between understanding why someone is struggling and letting them take their problems out on you repeatedly.
Set clear boundaries about what behaviour you'll accept, but communicate those boundaries with empathy rather than anger. I understand you're dealing with a lot right now, but I need us to find a way to communicate that works for both of us.
Every difficult interaction is a choice point. You can assume malice and respond defensively, or you can assume positive intent and respond with curiosity. The first approach might feel satisfying in the moment, but it usually makes the situation worse. The second approach might feel vulnerable, but it usually makes the situation better.
The next time someone's behaviour frustrates you, instead of creating a story about their character, ask yourself: What battle might this person be fighting that I can't see? You might be surprised by how much this simple question changes both your stress levels and your relationships. Everyone is fighting something. Leading with empathy costs you nothing and often transforms everything.